Why are women condemned for divorce and who really wins in marriage: a man or a woman? Read the article by our expert psychologist Elena Shpundra.
One of my friends, sharing details about her outdated marriage, said that she would never get divorced. Because divorce for her is tantamount to admitting that she is a failure. In what she created and did not save. The fact that I could not immediately choose a man with whom it will be good both in 10 and 20 years of life.
In the film Human (2015) by Yann Arthus-Bertrand, about 2,000 people from 60 countries of the world answer the host’s questions – what is love, family, divorce, life, death, poverty, war, disability. We do not hear the questions themselves, there are only answers. We also don’t really see people, only close-ups of faces. We do not know countries, names, age, physical condition, or social status. Sometimes you can learn the language, sometimes understand the age, sometimes you hear the name of the speaker, or guess the country or event in question from the stories. Sometimes we understand that a person is disabled. Sometimes, a person names his profession. Sometimes we are shown the faces of some project participants who are listening to the answers of others.
A woman from an oriental country says her husband stabbed her several times after she told him she wanted a divorce. This was the man she loved, lived for 10 years, gave birth to children. And he came and cut her with a knife because love had passed. This was the end of her life and at the same time the beginning.
An African woman tells how she divorced her husband after 20 years of marriage, because she wanted to work, but he was against
Another lady with good British English shares that she lived in an unhappy marriage for 19 years and only after stepping over the 50-year milestone decided on a divorce. Now her life has changed radically and she is happy.
An elderly Kazakh woman recalls how, at the age of 19, she was kidnapped and married by conspiracy to a guy she first saw at a wedding. Despite the fact that she told her family that she wanted to study and marry her early. It is not clear whether they still live together, but the longing in her eyes for the failed dream of studying is obvious.
A Syrian woman aged 40+ did not choose her husband, her cousin became her. She did not even think about love, because the family is a matter of customs and traditions. But that is why she left her husband in Syria as soon as the war broke out. And then burst into happy laughter “if I loved him, he would still be with me”.
A Latina aged 50+ feels surprisingly free because she is divorced and is immediately embarrassed that she probably shouldn’t have talked about it.
Divorce is a hot topic
Until now, for many women in the world, divorce is unacceptable. Not because it is impossible or dangerous – social censure will be so great that only the strongest dare to endure it.
Like 100, and 300 years ago, it is the woman who has the role of the keeper of the hearth, divorced means that she destroyed, did not save, did not cope with the mission. Everyone will condemn such a woman – both women and men. Not in vain, in our society, divorced women are contemptuously called “divorced women”. Like it’s defective or defective. The woman herself will also blame and condemn herself, because children suffer during a divorce, the thought that you voluntarily harm children is unbearable for a mother.
Why do women want to get married
So why are women so eager to get married if they suffer later, you ask?
There are indeed a lot of good things in the family, and divorce is not always the result of the behavior of the husband. It’s just that society is arranged in such a way that men are allowed more in it. Becoming a husband, he, of course, loses some of his freedom and acquires more responsibility, but he should not give up his career or put it on pause for the duration of the decree, he does not lose shape and health during childbirth and feeding, he does not need to recover, he even other women should not refuse. Because fidelity is what is a priori needed from a woman in marriage, but it is not required at all from a man.
We still treat male and female infidelity differently.
As a matter of fact, society requires a walking man to maintain the formal appearance of a legitimate family and not to forget to provide for it financially. But an unfaithful wife is branded as a “post-woman”, from which one cannot wash off.
Two stories: Kate and Diana
When Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, gave birth to her third child and went out 7 hours after giving birth in heels, with makeup and in full dress. The royal house made it clear that they want to see the ideal representative of the royal family just like that – without weaknesses and indulgences.
Sick, pregnant, old, in grief, in fatigue – it doesn’t matter – keep your face.
A lady is one who is combed, dressed and behaves according to etiquette in any condition. Kate’s endurance can be envied, but how should all the other wives and mothers feel against her background? Sweat, tears, stretch marks, baby burps, poopy diapers, and men’s sweatpants because they won’t fit?
At one time, her late mother-in-law, Princess Diana, decided on a divorce, tired of wearing horns, living with a husband who does not love her, feeling inferior from comparisons with Camilla Parker Bowles and pretending that “everything is calm in Baghdad.” For which she is still blamed – she dared to wash dirty linen from the hut. She dared to break the rule of “keep up appearances and save face.”
Kate is still carrying this burden of the ideal royal wife, Diana did not want to, although the divorce cost her her life.
But back to mere mortals.
In the family, a woman often loses part of herself
If we imagine a picture of a baby screaming at night, because he has a fever or colic. Who should get up, rock him, think about how to bring down the temperature or ease the colic? What medicines to give? Mother? A woman that, along with pregnancy, takes courses in paramedics? But modern mothers understand medicine as well as any doctor. Why? Do they like it? Or this mission is automatically superimposed on the shoulders along with motherhood, while dad is required to simply be on the hook. Or you can sleep at all, because “tomorrow he has to work.”
Therefore, in a family, a woman often finds that she is losing part of herself, and what she has acquired – status, children – does not compensate for the loss. Not many women are ready to stay within the boundaries of Mother and Wife, they want to open themselves within the boundaries of Professional, Man, Personality, Woman. In my opinion, families where a man is ready to understand that the happiness of a woman of the 21st century has long gone beyond Nietzsche’s “He wants” formula remain viable.
We want to discover the world of “I want, I can, I succeeded.” And we still want a family, but one that will allow us to develop, and not shackle us into the shackles of “A good wife and mother should.” Therefore, no matter what, we take risks. And entering into marriage and choosing a divorce.
Another heroine of the film Human says:
“I wouldn’t like being a man because men have an easy life. Too light. And the easy life is boring. It is easy for them in the profession and it may even be even easier to catch their sentimental prey. For women it is more difficult. But there is also an attraction to achieving your goals in spite of the difficulties. Without a doubt, I prefer to be a woman.”
I also prefer to be a woman and want to live my life, not imposed by society. Therefore, I reserve the right to divorce if I feel that the family has begun to limit me. After all, every end is always a beginning. Different, new, but does not mean worse. And as for condemnation, it is only the sentence of the one who condemns. So you did something that he is not able to allow himself even in his thoughts.